


Lil D & Big P

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Crack, Guest appearance from Anthony Fantano, Hip Hop, I haven't a clue, M/M, Music
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 17:21:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11235669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When they become Youtube flops, Dan and Phil decide to embark on another career. But how will they make sure this career stays afloat?





	Lil D & Big P

**Author's Note:**

> Why.

                “This is the greatest career move we’ve ever made.”

                “Yeah,” Phil assents.

                Their first mixtape, _Watch the Gaming Chair_ , now has 500 hits on datpiff, and 2 negative reviews.

                

                June – 1 star

                Their rap names insinuate their penis sizes. I didn’t listen, but I doubt it’s any good considering.

                Conrad – 1 star

                lucky 4 sum june…. Lol. this shit SUCK straight ass. lmao. they probably suck each other ass for real

                Dan seriously doubts that Conrad actually listened to it. ‘Probably’ he says. In the seventh track, _Eat That Booty like a 3 Course Meal at Pizza Hut_ , they go into depth about how much, how often and in what way they suck ass. He thought Phil’s verse on that one was pretty good.

_Yeah,_

_I eat the butt_

_It tastes like shit_

_Lit…_

_…erally_

_What what_

                ‘Shit’ is replaced by the sound of a dog barking, as Phil is still paranoid about his young viewers, even though they haven’t been relevant for at least 2 years.

                There’s no obvious reason for their downfall. One day, they noticed that they were gradually getting less views. There was no stylistic changes to their content, their banter was still the same, and neither one of them became horrifically ugly. They hadn’t an explanation. No-one did.

                For a while, they continued to make videos. They still had a select audience – each video averaged about 5,000 views – so they still got a bit of money. That, and they had a large bank account to depend on when the view counter eventually hit 0.  Though, eventually, they got bored. What’s the point when each video only got 20 comments, when there were no longer any twitter fan account to lurk on, no more fanfiction being produced about them?

                They tried ‘real world’ jobs. Dan was a cleaner, Phil was a proof-reader. They got bored of that too. They missed the feeling of being glorified. They wanted to taste fame again.

                So they decided on rapping. And their first mixtape was out. Their first video too, for their song _Whatchu Know ‘Bout Being a Scalie?,_ featuring Dan in his dinosaur onesie getting arrested in Krispy Kreme. It had gained some internet steam, with someone on reddit describing it as an ‘ethereal, edifying experience’.

                Their mixtape, however, wasn’t doing that well.

                “Oh, never mind them, Dan. Look at Conrad. His icon is a picture of Drake. What does he know about anything?”

                -

                2 week later, and their mixtape has only gained 350 hits since. It has also gained another negative review.

                Brandon – 1 star

                furries shoud’n’t   rap

                Dan reports the comment for bullying.

                -

                “I’ve got an idea!”

                The last idea Phil had was to mix tabasco sauce with their lube. It didn’t work. Dan wasn’t looking forward to this new idea.

                “…hit me, Philly.”

                “What if we had… ‘beef’? Like, did solo ‘mixtapes’ and did… ‘diss tracks’…”

                Phil was still getting used to the lingo.

                Dan considers for a moment.

                “Like… fake beef?”

                Phil looks confused.

                “Like… Quorn?”

                “No, like, we don’t actually have beef right now, do we?” Phil shakes his head. “So, we have to make some beef up.”

                “Oh.”

                They sit in silence for a few moments. After a couple of minute, Phil abruptly stands up.

                “Well, uh… fuck you, Daniel. You… ‘snitch’. You… yeah. Fuck you.”

                He leaves. Dan’s impressed. It’s the most he’s heard Phil swear in a 20 second time span.

                Reaching for pen and paper, Dan makes a mental itinerary of all the derogatory things that rhyme with Phil Lester.

_Phil Lester_

_You came from Manchester_

_Maybe you should go back_

_Cause in London your shit is wack_

                Yeah, that’s the stuff, Dan thinks.

                -

_His rap name is Lil D_

_I can attest that it is factual_

_His penis is_ _minuscule_

_But my penis is magical_

_My penis can do a cartwheel_

_My penis knows how to spell_

_Your penis got mistaken for a tic-tac_

_But it left their breath smelling like hell_

_Wor-_

                “Phil, Phil, cut!”

                Phil looks confused.

                “But I was doing so well…”

                “No you weren’t. First, who uses the word attest in a diss track? We’re not conscious rappers. And listeners don’t care if your penis can double as a fucking Stanley knife. That was _pathetic_.”

                Phil looks like he’s on the verge of crying.

                “That’s even more pathetic… look, let me show you.”

                Dan stands up and performs his track.

_Your name’s Big P_

_I assume that stands for plebeian_

_My name’s Lil D_

_Daring, daunting, renown in deviance_

_I-_

                “So I can’t say attest, but you can say plebeian and deviance?”

                “Oh, shut up.”

                “I’m writing my track on my own.”

                They gaze coldly at each other.

                “Yeah?”

                “Yeah.”

                “Good luck with that, Mr. ‘My name’s Phil, and I’m here to say / the McFlurry’s at Micky D’s are not worth the mon-ay’.”

                “You told me that was a good line!”

                “I lied!”

                Phil throws a cactus at him and leaves.

-

                “This is the most views either of us have gotten in months!”

                Dan stands unimpressed by his doorway.

                “Yeah, at the cost of you mentioning that I’ve never actually read Kierkegaard. You promised not to tell anyone.”

                _Yeah, I see you trembling at my rhymes_

_In fear of all my lyrical crimes_

_You’ve never even read Kierkegaard_

_You’re a poser and you think you’re hard_

                “It’s true though, isn’t it?”

                That night, Dan orders a copy of Fear and Trembling.

                -

                Dan responds a week later. Coincidentally, this is also the same amount of time it took him to read Fear and Trembling.

                The music video starts with a panoramic shot of him in his bed, reading the book. His hypeman (who is actually just Dan with his voice pitch-shifted) shouts YEAH, HE’S READ IT NOW, BIIIIIIIITCH… YOU CAN’T EVEN _SPELL_ EXISTENTIALISM…

                The rest of the video just consists of Dan throwing some houseplants out the window and eating cereal in his underwear. But it’s enough to garner 12,000 views in a week. Dan credits this to his phenomenal rapping. Phil credits this to him posting it on r/cringe.

                A week later, the mixtapes come out.

                

                

                “Did you design that yourself?”

                Phil’s silence answers the question.

                -

                Despite literally everything going against it, Phil’s mixtape has the most hits and downloads. 7,000 versus 2,500. And the general consensus is…

 

                Reviews of _look at this nice ice cream cone i had !!_

                Bob – 5 star

                dan how-ell? more like dan take this L!  lmao

                June – 1 star

                Bob, that was a better example of wordplay than anything that Phil spit on this ‘’’mixtape’’’.

                Conrad – 3 star

                phil won the beef lol !these dudes still suck each other ass tho

 

                Dan wonders how many songs they have to make about eating ass before Conrad finally gets the message.

                -

                “Okay, I’m sick of getting dragged by the hip-hop community. Can we make up now?”

                Phil looks confused for a brief moment. “I thought it was a fake beef?”

                “Oh, uh…” gulp, “uh… uh yeah. It was! But, um,” Dan starts sweating, “we should fake make up now! Eh…”

                “Okay!”

                -

                

                

                (Spoiler: he gave it a strong ten.)

                And then they lived happily ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> Why.


End file.
